It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything on here, and if anyone reads these, I’m sorry I haven’t been around. Here’s basically why: I thought I was going to lose my dad in December. Then he pulled through, thankfully, and I had to deal with losing my job in January. I settled into a new (less than desirable) job for about a week or two before I found out that my mom has an inoperable brain tumour. Needless to say, I’ve been a mess. I just reread my last post that stated confidently how I hadn’t cried in a week… well, that’s a dream at the moment, but I figure if I make it through the day – crying or not – it’s a win.
So, my mom’s radiation treatments start later today and we’re all trying to stay very positive. It’s hard though because it’s very scary. But we’re trying. And today is a better day for me than I’ve had in a while, which is why I’m writing this finally. I wanted to share a few things:
Firstly, I have been in a pity party for the last few weeks. Constantly whinging and complaining about how it’s not fair that my parents have to go through this and how I’m too young to be faced with all their mortalities in the last couple of months. I focused on the fact that although I’ve tried to do everything right, nothing has worked out how I wanted it to: literally no part of my life is where I want it to be, and that sucks. But what I also reminded myself is that even if it sucks and it’s not fair, moping about it isn’t going to change a damn thing. And sitting around complaining about it only makes me a) more miserable because I’m dwelling on it and b) takes me further from my goals because all my energy is being directed at hating my life instead of improving it. Enough’s enough. I can choose to run away or I can choose to fight. I’m struggling with this every day – no, every hour – but I’m choosing to fight. It’s hard and a lot of times it hurts or I stumble and I want to give up but, I won’t.
Secondly, I’ve been actively working with my GP, counsellor and a naturopath to try to support my wellbeing as best as possible and I recently learned that some people are immune to antidepressants. That’s me. Of course! It does explain why I’ve tried multiple over the last few years and they don’t seem to help at all, and actually seemed to make things worse. This was news to me so I wanted to share it here in case it’s news to anyone else. My doctor took me off of them and it feels like a fog has lifted. My emotions are very raw at times and it’s hard to manage, but I’m able to feel, recognise, and move past them in a way I was unable to before. Again, it’s still a struggle, but it’s a manageable one, and at least now I don’t have the ugly side effects of the medication. I’m still seeing the effects wear off as it’s only been a few weeks that I’ve been off completely, but my fatigue has dissipated and my headaches are manageable – win.
Thirdly, I keep looking at all these goals I set for myself and I get frustrated with how far off the wagon I have fallen. Well, my new goal is and will continue to be a simple one: just to be kind to myself. Yes, I weigh more than I want to. Yes, I drink more than I want to. And yes, I don’t like my job… but I’m still here, able to eat and drink and pay my bills. I’m not using this awful time in my life as an excuse to let myself go completely, but if I am having a bad day and can’t be asked to cook, I’m certainly not going to chastise myself for getting a takeaway – at least I’m eating. And even with this blog: I know I should have been posting more regularly, but at that time I couldn’t, today I could so here I am – at least I came back to it.
I guess the important part of today’s post is just to never give up. I’ve altered my goals to be more manageable: be kind to myself. I’ve taken steps to ensure I’m supported where I need it, and I’m doing everything I can to support my mom while she goes through this. It’s a terrifying ordeal but at the end of the day, if we give up, we’ll never overcome it. All we can do is try, so that’s exactly what I intend to do.