An awful day in my 30’s

I’m significantly depressed today. I don’t mean to say that I wasn’t yesterday or the day before, it’s been building up, and today is just a very bad day. I got out of bed, which is more than I can say for myself two days ago, but to what end? I’m not sure. I came to work but I don’t know that I’m going to get anything done. The reason for coming was simply because I’d already taken one day off this week. Not because I feel loyal to my organisation – no, they’re not loyal to me. Not because I have work to be done – I have plenty, but no one else on my team is holding up their end of the bargain so why should I bust my ass for a project that’s not likely to amount to what I had hoped it would anyways? It’s because I feel guilty staying home. Because I feel like staying by myself will result in me wishing I was around people, but then the people I have already passed on my way into town, have made me want nothing more than to crawl under a rock until everyone has passed so that I can run home… and if it were closer, I swear I would – heels and all. These are the days that are so bad that I can’t figure out what I want or what I need and I just go along on autopilot because I simply don’t know what else to do. I haven’t had one of these really bad ones in a long time.

It’s stemming from a terrible weekend, a horrible date, exes not letting go and just constant feelings of inadequacy over the last few days. Friday night I had a date who was such a jerk that when I called him out on it he told me how unattractive I was and how I think too highly of myself because I didn’t buy him a beer (no, he hadn’t purchased me the round before – he made a big show of how he hated that women expected to be bought drinks/dinner on dates and he then expected me to pay for his beer). I was really only there for that beer to be polite and really, because it was a Friday night and since I’d set aside the time for the date, I didn’t have anywhere else to be. I had no intention of seeing this man again after the first 10 minutes, but I figured I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and maybe we could be friends or something… well that turned into him walking away from me at the bar because I stood my ground and didn’t buy his beer, only to come back half an hour later to throw a lot of insults my way. I ‘salvaged’ the night by chatting and continuing the night with some random people at the bar who turned out to be lovely, but inwardly I was still recounting every horribly thing that man said to me. In attempts to it drown out, I drank way too much and woke up the next day feeling very sorry for myself.

Saturday I dealt with my hangover as best as possible and I proceeded to go for coffee,  build some furniture (as expected), go for a walk, and head to volleyball – all as expected. I was so hungover I was shaking and feeling very insecure and unsure of myself, and while I want to say this hasn’t happened in a while, this has actually happened twice in the last few months. Apparently I’m now binge drinking when I end up in a situation I can’t deal with – I know, it’s not good and I will watch that it doesn’t turn into a worse problem, but for now, I’m focusing on these events. When I went to volleyball, luck would have it that I was paired with 1 lovely (quiet) man and 2 chauvenistic jerks of men, who refused to pass me the ball, talk strategy with me and would even body check me out of the way to get to the ball that was perfectly passed to me by the other team. I should say here, I’m actually a pretty good volleyball player, but they were playing their own game and every time I would try to get into it, I would get pushed aside – and I have the bruises to prove it. So I left that night, feeling inadequate in every way, because even though I didn’t feel good, I’d rallied so that I could go and engage in a sport that I love and get some physical activity, which I know is a great help to me when I feel down. Did I mention this is a social club? There’s literally NO prize for winning and people come and go as they please.

Sunday and Monday I spent sulking, leaving the house only to go watch Game of Thrones at a friend’s house. Monday I was ‘warned’ by my friend to stay away from the bar in my Office building because my ex was there. Thanks for the warning, but it bothers me that my ex still comes to this bar. I know I don’t own the bar, but if I knew where he currently worked (he’s changed jobs since we broke up), then I would be considerate enough to avoid it. And yet, every time he’s in town I get a warning message from my friend to say that he’s chosen the bar in my office building again. Well, I can’t avoid it when I’m at work, I have to walk out the door literally right next to the bar to go home – and he knows this. I know this isn’t a game of ‘turf wars’ but come on, have some courtesy and attend any of the other 200 bars in the city please! Fortunately I was home on Monday so I didn’t have to worry about running into him.

What I didn’t expect though, was to receive a message from the Dr that I was dating 2 months back who completely ghosted me. He played so many games with me that even though we were only dating for 2 months, it took me just as long to get over him. His message to me was ‘heard a song (Skinny Love by Birdy) and thought of you’. I said thanks and left it at that – I didn’t want to be rude, but I also don’t want to go down that path – and then he sent me a few more messages that were begging me to ask questions and complete with a kissy-face emoji and I was instantly back to where I was 2 months ago questioning every one of them: ‘what does this mean?!?!’ Instead of walking down that path, I wished him well, deleted the thread, and haven’t stopped thinking about it since… but at least I’m not acting on it.

Tuesay I went to my friend’s house for ‘steak night’, where I was uncharacteristically quiet until I had a beer in me and everyone else seemed a little tipsy already, then I figured I was ‘safe’ and that no one would realise quite how negative I was being, because everyone else was having fun. I went to dinner at my friend’s house – the same one that told me I was work obsessed last week – with the couple across the way coming as well. Normally I love hanging out with these people, but last night I realised I’m sitting in my friend’s new place with all his new furniture and looking around at how well he’s done for himself I felt pride, but also significantly inadequate (again) since I am renting and have no assets of my own. Then the couple came over and again, as happy as I was to be visiting with them, the big, shiny engagement ring that she was wearing was glaring in my eyes as a reminder of what I’d had once upon a time, and given it up for what only feels like loneliness in this current downward spiral. I found myself unintentionally competing with everything anyone said, as if trying to ‘keep up with the Joneses’. I apologised this morning and was laughed off saying no one else noticed, but I still feel bad that I engaged in such behaviour with my friends.

I woke up this morning and decided that if I stayed in bed, there was a chance I’d never want to get out, and so I struggled, but I forced myself to get up. I did some push-ups and some sit-ups as a quick mood boost so I wouldn’t return back to bed, and I decided to get into my new dress and make myself feel good. Well, it turned out to be too small in the arms. This ‘tailor made’ dress is too small – great. So I rummaged through the closet until I found a loose-fitting comfortable dress that I can hide beneath all day, and that was my last straw of a bad few days, thus bringing me to my terribly depressed mood. I got in to work to find my morning meeting extended to twice what it should be while I have a mountain of work to get done. My only consolation is that there is an enormous rain storm outside (the biggest of the season so far), which is (oddly enough) making me feel less alone in this depressed state; as if the black cloud that has been following me around has ultimately gotten so big as to bring the whole city into it’s shadow. It will pass soon enough, and I just hope my own storm goes with it.

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