Today I’m struggling. Well, actually, for the last hour or two I’ve been struggling, before that I was fine. I had a good chat to my mom this morning, I indulged in some furniture shopping yesterday and am excited about my new stuff, and I was in a meeting with my boss this morning where I received praise for a job well done. I’ve been texting my hair dresser with photos of what I want done on Saturday, I got my ‘plasma donation’ reminder text (which always makes me feel good) and I’ve been looking at my week, so packed with social activities/dates/etc that I have no time for much of anything else. So why then, about an hour ago, did I just come crashing down emotionally and hit rock bottom?
I often have times like this. It’s not even days sometimes where it’s ‘good days and bad days’… sometimes it’s hours. My mom calls this a ‘storm’. This morning I woke in a great mood and was ready to seize the day. The day has continued to be a good one, and yet, right now, it’s everything I can do to not just get up and walk out. Where? No idea. But sometimes life just feels too hard. For the most part, I’m a very resilient person, but because of this, I book myself too much to do and then normal life becomes overwhelming. Take Saturday for example: Saturday I got up nice and early to find my cat had rolled in mud and climbed into my bedroom window overnight. So first thing I did was give her a bath and wash ANYTHING she had made contact with. She’s normally clean, so this is the first time I’ve ever had to bathe her (I adopted her in October after previously fostering her for nearly a year). Then I went to an hour’s karate class, followed by an hour’s kickboxing class from 9-11. My friend had asked if I could fill in for her softball team because they didn’t have enough players to even fill the field, so I got home and changed from one set of sportswear into the next with a quick sponge off of a shower and off I went to get there for 12-2 softball. I haven’t laughed like that in a long time, it was such a funny game! Anyways… it was a 30 minute drive away so I got home about 245 and had to tell my date that I would not make it for our 3:00 meet up, but that I would be there at 3:30. So into the shower for a proper scrub this time and back into the car to meet my date – a first date – with wet hair, an empty stomach and mismatched socks because (of course) I’d run out of laundry. We get take away coffees and go for a walk around the nearby lake – it was a lot of fun. 🙂 Then I realise it’s already 5:15 and I was meant to be at indoor volleyball at 5:30. Fortunately volleyball was a social event and I was able to rush back home, change into my fourth set of clothes that day and get there at 6pm. I’m stuffing Bhuja mix (it’s a yummy snack if you don’t know what it is) in my face while I drive there, but I’m glad I went when I did because I was put on a team with a guy I have a bit of a crush on and 2 other lovely people… and had a blast again. I left indoor volleyball at 10:30, was in bed by 12 and up again at 7am to get to the beach for an 8am beach volleyball session.
Saturday was SO much fun, but by the time Sunday afternoon came around, I had to cancel another first date I had organised because I was so physically exhausted I could barely move. But I still had to do some chores because I’d now gone through every bit of sportswear I own (including some old stuff I wouldn’t choose to wear), and had to cook up some food to eat, and I went shopping because a dining set I’d been waiting on for ages came on sale and it wouldn’t last until next weekend (the shop’s only open until 4 – of course – so I have to go at the weekend because I’m otherwise working). I felt ill by the evening. So now, I’m having a down few hours, and I’ve booked myself some time in the week (the social nightmare I mentioned earlier) to do some stuff of my own, and tonight is one of those nights. I have been trying to do karate and kickboxing at a local dojo and while I do really enjoy it, I just can’t find the time to go very often because, I get too busy or exhausted, and then that’s the first to go. My nights set aside for karate and kickboxing were Monday and Wednesday – so I’m just succumbing to the fact that I need some ‘me’ time more than I need any extra training of any kind, but here’s the catch: I already have a list of things to do that I neglected because I had such a busy weekend. Tonight’s ‘me time’ will involve stopping at a local spice shop for ingredients, dishes, cooking breakfasts and lunches for my work week, finishing/folding the laundry, selling my current table, picking up a few photo frames, cleaning the shelves in the kitchen (because something spilled over at the weekend), and, if at all possible, vaccuming – because my muddy cat left sand/dirt everywhere. Sounds relaxing!
Normally I love a busy life, and lead a busier life than most, but the issue I struggle with is moderating this life. I fill my time with so many activities that I end up struggling just to juggle daily chores – like tonight’s – and can’t be comfortable until they’re done. I guess I’m also a bit obsessive in that respect. Oh, and I’m also going overseas next week. So I have 8 days to get my affairs in order (packing, cleaning for a friend to come in and feed little miss muddy while I’m away, etc). Which is heaps of time, if I wouldn’t schedule a social life that takes up 98% of my time and energy. I know I sound ridiculous in complaining about this, but what’s troubling me is this: why do I feel the need to fill every moment? What is so fundamentally lacking from my life that I can’t stand to be idle? Whenever I have a moment to myself I start feeling down and I hate that I do because I can’t justify it; I have a great life! But I still feel lost/confused/alone and some emotions that I have no words for, and this is why I feel like I’m struggling with daily life right now. Not today, cause this morning I had it all figured out and was happy as a clam (where did this saying come from?), but right now, I’m struggling. My mom termed it well: she said to me this morning that I have ‘storms’ because they’re intense at the time, but they always pass. I know it’s residual from my anxiety/depression struggles over the last 18 months or so, but I can’t wait until the day comes when the storms are more of a drizzle or foggy mist.