Who I’m looking for in my 30’s

Online dating is ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun… but it’s also frustrating and then exciting and then annoying and always so damned time consuming! I have no idea what I did to fill my time before I started obsessively checking my phone for any new messages. Plus, I seem to have developed a massive ego within a week because I have had so many people message me that I think there are so many options out there I can cull at will! Gentleman reading this, take notes, but everyone please don’t judge me too harshly for this bit of truth we all believe to some extent. Let me say, this is not who I want to be, but I will admit a few things here:

  1. if he opens with ‘hey’, ‘how r u’ or ‘what u doin’, he will not get a response from me. I need grammar – and full words – in my life!
  2. if he does not have a photo, he will not get a response back from me.
  3. if he does not smile in profile photo and/or does not show teeth in any photo, he will not get a response from me.
  4. if he has a photo with him and someone who could be his ex (could also be a sister, a friend, a colleague, etc… but since I don’t know this…), he will not get a response from me.
  5. if he has only group photos, he will not get a response from me.
  6. if he doesn’t catch my interest in the first few messages, he will stop getting a response from me.

Now, let me point out that while that’s usually what I stand by, there are exceptions to these rules. And let me also point out that I am a huge sucker for certain things, some of which, are ridiculously clichéd and will make me break my above rules… ultimately reminding me why I created these rules. 😦

  1. dogs in photos. Every time I see this I want to pass the person by, knowing full well it’s a tactic, and not likely even their dog (which would be fine) yet, I seem to always find myself messaging him (good tactic I guess *eye roll*) just in case he does in fact come with a dog.
  2. a good looking body. I know that anyone without an ounce of fat on their body will most likely not be compatible with me (I like to eat and drink a lot, and do not consider going to the gym as a hobby), and yet still, I seem to find myself messaging him.
  3. an egocentric profile. I’m not even interested in this working out, and yet I feel the need to express why, and thus, find myself messaging him. *enormous eye roll*
  4. and the breadcrumbers… yes, like the one in my previous post about this. It’s like an innate sense from deep within that I need to have everyone like me and so the more he plays this game, the more I grasp to hold on. It’s almost embarrassing to admit, but I know that I’m not the only one, cause if I were, then this wouldn’t be a thing, let alone the ‘new trend’ in 2017 online dating apparently. 😦

So here I am, knowing full well the error of my ways and trying my best to get past them. I do not want to continue to pick up breadcrumbs or be significantly disappointed at a date who’s only conversation is about the gym (I’m generalising of course). When I truly think about it, here’s what I really want:

  1. Effort. Effort! EFFORT!! Lazy men need not apply. If he puts the time and thought in, I will message him.
  2. Confidence! oh, I am drawn to confidence (not arrogance) like a moth to a flame and I will definitely message him.
  3. Make me laugh. Life’s too short to have the same boring conversation over and over so if he can do it via message, I will message him.
  4. Depth. I want someone who can challenge me and if I find that, I will message him.
  5. A fun write up. If I can relate to, smile, or laugh while reading someone’s profile, I will message him.
  6. Smiling in photos. I’m talking real, genuine “hey look, I’m a happy person” smiles. I am drawn to happy people, not boastful ones so if he’s posing with a cheeky grin then I will message him.

And if I find all of the above in someone that I am mentally and physically attracted to, I’ll be hooked! That’s what I thought I had found with the breadcrumber… I’m clearly still disappointed, but I have also lost interest – finally! I woke up to a message from him this morning actually, which read ‘Good morning! How are you babe?’ Well, the last time we’d messaged he was checking his schedule to see when he could fit a date in… looks like he forgot about that… nice effort there Mr. Man! But, at least he used full words and correct grammar, so he still has hope in the dating world… with someone else who, hopefully, he will consider a priority.

I think we can all agree that no one deserves breadcrumbing and that people who do it aren’t kind to their counterparts. But… what I didn’t realise until I read about it, was that I actually ended up doing it accidentally. I was breadcrumbing a man while I waited around to see what would happen with this guy who ended up breadcrumbing me (oh the irony!) and I didn’t even realise I was doing it. Once I researched it a bit and recognised what I was doing, I changed tack immediately. I messaged him with a heartfelt apology and asked him out for a drink, on me, as an apology. This is the first time I’ve asked someone on a first date. I mean yes, I’ve suggested we ‘catch up’ to men I’ve dated previously, but never taken the first step. He didn’t respond for about a week, which I took to mean he was not accepting my apology, but when he did finally respond, he was not impolite, but short and said that he’d been out of town and would be for another two weeks. Had I not realised I was breadcrumbing him, I wouldn’t have continued this as I thought the conversations lacked a bit of excitement, but I was just so happy that he’d accepted my apology that I gave him my number to contact me when he got back (without him asking for it: another bold move). He has actually been messaging me from where his work sent him in the middle of nowhere, and while the conversations are not thrilling, they are lovely and kind and he sends photos, or useful resources, etc. with them sometimes. He gets back this weekend and I’m quite looking forward to meeting him in person now and I’m so happy that we continued talking. He does not qualify in my criteria above, and maybe nothing will come of it, but for now, I’m glad he forgave me and that I made the exception to my rules.

I’m still learning about the criteria of what I want in a man, and what that actually looks like in real life, but I’m having fun while I learn. 🙂

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